Baby Girl

BabyGirl. No words put in any sequence could properly express how special you are to me. Here’s my best attempt.

It all started when I went to buy supplies for my other lizards. I walked by the adoption center and saw a tank of baby bearded dragons all the size of my middle finger. I put my finger on the glass and one little baby bearded dragon ran up to my finger. That bearded dragon was you. You got on two legs and tried to hold my finger. I knew at that moment I had to bring you home.

I took you home and we were instantly best friends. Your favorite place to sleep was in the middle of my chest. We would watch movies and play video games together. When you weren’t sleeping in your spot you were jumping off the bed, climbing things you shouldn’t, and giving me little kisses on my nose. That was your favorite spot to give me kisses. You made me feel loved during the darkest time in my life. I was grappling with a life changing diagnosis. I didn’t want to accept it. For the first time I felt loved and needed. You made me forget.

It soon became apparent that you needed special care. You had two big burns on your body that were becoming infected and yellow spots on your belly that were signs of a progressive disease. I took you to the vet with tears in my eyes. The prognosis wasn’t good, but then the vet asked how comfortable I was with giving injections. I look at her and proudly said that I am a nurse. The vets tone changed and she seemed more hopeful.

I had to give you shots for five days in your little leg. I cried every time. You required treatments three times a day. Then gradually it went down to two, then finally down to once a day. Your burns were healed and your belly was soft and white. With diligent care you became so healthy. In this time you opened my cold and guarded heart. You made me feel again. With diligent care you made me so healthy.

As you grew up I let you roam the house. You never went too far and I always secretly had an eye on you. You loved to run away from me as fast as you can, then run back to me and look up with your head turning from side to side. That meant you were ready to be held again. You had to be doing everything I was, my favorite was when you would put your hands on my controller when I was deep in a video game. We enjoyed many homemade smoothies together. Strawberries were your favorite. Some other favorites were dubia roaches and wax worms.

As an adult you enjoyed lounging on your hammock and your angry bird…unless I was home. You wanted to be out in the action with everyone else. You’d always falls asleep in my wigs, laundry, or blankets…things that smelled like me.

I will never forget when I bought you a harness and leash. I took you outside for the first time. When I put you down on the grass you puffed up your beard and turned it black. You then ran back to me. I picked you up and put you in my infinity scarf. Protect, safe, and right by me was the only way you enjoyed the outdoors.

Remember the Uptown Art Fair? I took you with and everyone loved you. You had this charming personality. Many people who didn’t even like lizards fell in love with you.
You exuded this warm loving light. Little did I know you were teaching me how to do the same thing all along. The more time we spent together the more gentle, loving, and open I became. You broke down walls that existed for years. Walls no one else could break.

When we moved you got to have your tank by a big window that faced the front yard. You loved watching the passing people. When maintenance or lawn work was being done you were watching vigilantly. You’d follow them back and forth in your tank.

Your tank was right by the door and our locks never worked right so the keys would make noise before anyone could get in. One day after work I saw you look at me and by the time I got in the apartment you were on the end of the tank closest to the door looking up at me with your beardie look. It was at that moment I knew you were more than just a lizard. I knew you knew who I was no matter what anyone said.

A talented man tattooed you over my heart. He gave you a human body with a pretty pink dress decorated with white polka dots. It was so fitting to your personality. As I write this I can’t help but think your soul was human or an angel. My guardian angel.

Remember when we had to move recently? You were so stressed out but then I put you and your big 100 gallon tank in the back of my Dodge Charger and we set out for Breckinridge MN. It was a three hour road trip that felt special because you were with. You lounged on your hammock the entire way. Wherever I went you went with.
Very recently I discovered the key to my sobriety. Full acceptance of myself which was something I’ve always struggled with. I vocalized acceptance of that life change that haunted me for almost four years. I felt shackles break. I dropped that baggage that you helped me carry this whole time. I finally loved myself.

My celebration was cut short. Your disease came out of its almost four year remission. Even though I started treatments again it progressed so fast. Though I tried to shroud myself in denial I knew your time with me was ending. Your work here was done

I knew it was time when you could barely greet me after a long day of work, something you always did. You tried and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You were in so much pain and barely moved. When you looked at me I knew you were ready. I wasn’t but you were. I had to honor that, it was the least I could do. I took you in my arms and laid you in your spot on my chest. That’s where you stayed until your soul left me. You peacefully slept next to my heart where you will always be.

I believe your soul was my guardian angel that came to me for the first time in physical form, like a familiar or spirit animal. You’ve always watched over me but you knew I needed you on earth during this transition. Then when I learned to love again, when I learned to accept myself you went back to watching over me. I want to thank you for unlocking the gentle, loving, and warm man I locked away. I promise to always radiate that warm light you taught me. I love you and you will ALWAYS be my BabyGirl.

“And now your song is on repeat
And I’m dancin’ on to your heartbeat
And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete
So if you want the truth
I just wanna be part of your symphony
Will you hold me tight and not let go?”